WHOSO PISSETH ON MY SADDLE.

By Stephen Block

1998

The following fragment needs some explanation, since it refers to a specific episode "The Ransom", on Max Keller's Conan the Adventurer TV show. This episode opens with Clonan and his band of merry misfits sleeping around the dead coals of a campfire. It is a bright sunlit morning, and expressions of discomfort on the sleeping faces suggest that they are going to wake up with hangovers. Otli, the thievish dwarf, is the first to wake. He lurches to his feet and staggers over to a tree. Facing the tree, he turns his back on the camera; our ears tell us he is urinating. Bayu, the savage nature boy, wakes up next. He wrinkles his nose as if smelling something putrid. He looks over at Otli, and reacts in horrified outrage as he realizes that Otli is peeing on his (Bayu's) saddle. Bayu yells at Otli, waking the others. They all laugh at Bayu. Bayu sulks. The rest of the episode is about something completely different, but that was how it opened. So if you never saw the show, now you know why at least some of us hated it. However, some of the watchers liked it, because it was the first departure from the usually sickly-sweet flavor of the show, the first indication of actual barbarism. I didn't like it. What follows is what I posted the next day.

I couldn't BELIEVE that Otli peed on Bayu's saddle. Friends don't do that to friends. Especially in an armed society. What do you use your saddle for? You SIT on it, for hours at a time. How would you like to sit for hours on a piss-soaked saddle? Would you do that to a friend? Let's put it in perspective. What would your reaction be if a friend of yours deliberately peed on the driver's seat of your car? Would he still be your friend? A saddle isn't made of plastic, it is leather and it is porous. It soaks stuff up. Saddles are EXPENSIVE. A piss-soaked saddle represents the same amount of difficulty or expense to clean up or replace as a piss-soaked automobile driver's seat. Am I over-reacting to boys-will-be-boys rough horseplay? Remember, in an armed, barbaric society, retribution can be just as rough and barbaric.

Part of the problem with this episode is that some Keller employee thought it would be funny, so they went ahead and wrote it in, without thought or introspection. In the above paragraph I dealt with the incident at face value, which was bad enough. But at a deeper level it's even worse. It is Otli playing dominance games on Bayu. The message is: "I can piss on you and your belongings and you can't do a thing about it." If he lets Otli get away with it, then Bayu immediately plummets to the bottom of the pecking order, and ANYONE can piss on him, until Bayu runs away, commits suicide, or goes berserko (becoming a "disgruntled" barbarian).

Bayu, as a red-blooded barbarian boy, knows this, either consciously or unconsciously. He knows that he can't AFFORD to let Otli get away with it, even if Otli is 7 ft. tall and weighs 300 lb. He has no CHOICE but to make Otli pay in a manner so spectacular that no one else will ever be tempted to piss on his saddle.

Not a laughing matter.

And bloody. Peeing on somebody's saddle goes beyond rough-and-ready horseplay. Accordingly, I offer the following 3 vignettes. They are a little bit different from my usual, because they have very little to do with Conan. I actually didn't enjoy writing them.

ALTERNATE A -- BAYU HUNGOVER AND IN A FOUL MOOD.

EXTERIOR -- JUNGLE.

3 men are sleeping around a campsite. Bayu slowly awakens to the sound of liquid flowing. He sniffs, and becomes aware of an unpleasant odor. He looks around and spots Otli standing close by the tree, as the dribbling sound continues.

BAYU

What are you doing? You - are you - IS THAT MY SADDLE?!?!?

The others wake up. Bayu runs over to his saddle, drawing his sword as he goes. Zzeben gestures urgeantly to Conan.

CONAN

They'll have to work this out between themselves.

BAYU

I can't believe this! I can't believe you actually pissed on my saddle! GROWLLLL!

Bayu rushes Otli, his sword a slashing whirlwind of steel. Otli draws his +1 butterknives of doom and assumes a defensive stance. Otli's head and arms hit the ground plop, plop, plop, followed by his headless, armless torso kerPLOP, plop, plop.

Zzeben looks at Conan, in shock.

CONAN

Hey, anyone who pisses on MY saddle is a dead man!

BAYU

Now I get it. It was a joke! He was trying to be funny. Hahahaha! That Otli, what a card! HAHAHAHAhahahaha! I guess the joke was on him.

ALTERNATE B -- BAYU IN A GOOD MOOD AND FULL OF LOVINGKINDNESS.

Starts out just like Alternate A. Then,

BAYU

I can't believe this! I can't believe you actually pissed on my saddle! GROWLLLL!

Bayu rushes Otli, his sword a slashing whirlwind of steel. Otli draws his butterknives and assumes a defensive stance. Bayu stops suddenly, poised at half extension, his swordpoint against Otli's throat. He himself is far outside Otli's reach, and a mere twitch of his elbow will pierce Otli's throat. Otli freezes.

BAYU

(through gritted teeth)

You. Are. Going. To. Clean. My. Saddle. Until. It. Shines! I. Don't. Want. To. Smell. Anything. But. Saddle. Soap. And. Leather. Polish!

OTLI

(Looking cross-eyed at Bayu's sword) Saddle soap and leather polish ... right.

If Alternates A and B seem harsh, remember the driver seat of your car, and imagine you are a biker or a sword-carrying barbarian. And if you think Bayu wouldn't do that to Otli, I say that Otli wouldn't do that to Bayu. I much prefer Alternate C, which is the way I think Keller should have written it..

ALTERNATE C -- OTLI, THE WAY HE OUGHTTABE.

Starts out just like Alternate A. Then,

Bayu runs over to his saddle, drawing his sword as he goes.

BAYU

What -- wait a minute -- you--

OTLI

(Laughing)

I HAD you! You actually thought I had pissed on your saddle! Whoo ha ha.

(Pulls a long face)

I must say, Bayu, I'm deeply hurt that you thought for even a moment that I would do such a thing!

Conan and Zzeben laugh.

BAYU

(slams his sword back into its scabbard)

Hmmmph! You just better sleep with one eye open, little man, 'cause the first time I catch you sleeping with both eyes closed, you're going to wake up with an earful of piss!

Zzeben falls over backwards laughing, kicking his feet in the air.

CLOSE.